Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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