She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
