put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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