i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
