My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
