aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
