I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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