I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
