i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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