As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just want nice things and good sex
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
and you fell through a lawn chair
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
