my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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