If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
