i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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