I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Randomize
