what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
