nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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