I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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