My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
