the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
