we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
