seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
