Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm both gender and math confused
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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