I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
