This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
