What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
