How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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