it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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