i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
