Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize