I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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