is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
