if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
