I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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