Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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