So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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