You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
