Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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