my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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