I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
