he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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