I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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