i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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