The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
