Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
