She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
