I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
