I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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