so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
