How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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