Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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