I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
