all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
there is glitter all over my balls
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