You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
