Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
