i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize