oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
