I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
love makes seman taste better
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
