I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
