I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize