WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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