oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize