Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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