He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
