Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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