The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think my moral compass just broke
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