come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
