I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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