I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
