We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
