i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
