your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
