I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Are we still banned from the library?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
